The Preface

May 29th

I get it , some things are disappointing and there’s just some things you can’t change and won’t understand, no this is not man bashing or a way of putting him down. This is how I express myself and I have to stop hold shit in and let it go. I can’t keep playing dumb for love. I refuse to not understand how a person can only explain certain things clearly like reason they don’t want to verses reason to do something. Like responsibilities are reason to makes excuses and get mad. Only time he really can be understood is when he is expressing himself and you find that what he’s expressing he’s been doing. With history with men, everyone says leave them, I’m always putting up with too much and I get it now. Is not too  late to love myself and change no. This desperate part of me that just wanted to be loved i fading away into something greater, and that’s self love.

After last night with my love, I removed the major distractions from my phone that keep making me thinking, why hasn’t he proposed, why hasn’t he married me. I slowly come to realization that he’s holding back for his own personal reasons. After five years of being with a woman that is fully committed to you, hasn’t cheated on you, but is constantly subconsciously compared to his past that did cheat and hurt you. It burn my insides, i dont sit up and compare him to my past. He’s nothing like them, he’s totally different and is in fact the type I usually run from, but what made me stay. I guess that’s something to think about as I reflect and cleanse myself of social media, drink my water, exercise, meditate, and watch my eating habits.

This is just day one. Although my PC is still logged in to my accounts and gives notifications and I still have messenger for whomever may be trying to communicate with me. I really need to do some soul searching and make sure I know what I want. From the conversation I had last night with my love this is what is needed. I need to be selfish and think about me. Like do I want to marry someone who when I first met said he would marry me on but didn’t, also while I was pregnant with his first child he said it again while I express my discomfort with having another child out of wedlock, but he didn’t, then when it was brought up again after having two children by him, it’s not going to work because of our finances, and now it’s because of America brainwashing women to brainwash me.

However, this is thought out, I’m not going to elaborate, just yet on it any further because all i do is get pissed off. Does he even value me or am I truly just good enough. Does he even think that far. He was raised by his mother and father in one home but I wasn’t, my father and mother divorced when I was four. Yet I hear the things his brother and father say. Chances are he doesn’t by the way he is with other women in his past. It’ like he want to be a womanizer but it’s not his character, it’s just something he sees in the men closest to him. He’s still emotionally attached to his exes but expects me to stay and believe there’s nothing going on although all communication and support of one another is done in secret. Where does that leave us. However this infected rhythm has haunted our relationship since the beginning with this nice guy speech as to why he’s not going to get into conflicts with his ex and I left him alone but I should have known better. He thinks it’s okay to have many wives but not love one. He thought it was cool to say write about it like that’s going to help me stay or get thru the disappointment and pain he brings to me. This is a man that can’t do shit for himself and would rather have a secretary he can’t afford to pay do everything for him. Mind you, he doesn’t have one. He has me, helping him build and would still say I haven’t given enough support while I work, clean, and manage seven kids and still trying to chase my dreams and have fun to release some of my misery. Did I add his brother and friend got to flat out disrespect me calling me bitches, telling me I am not shit, and response is, “Well, you do have a smart mouth…so I can why that happened…”

Now I am stuck in it knee deep and can’t quite find a way out. So I am actually taking his advice. I am going to write about it! (unedited)

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