Yesterday, I got up got ready to work like all other days. Started working and all of a sudden, I am being let go due to lack of needs. Just like that unemployed but not shocked. Didnt I see this coming with the reduced hours throughout the entire month. Not realizing CVS closing stores would effect my job. How didnt I listen to my gut and try harder to find another job.

I immediately applied for other positions and recieved a good amount of responses back. I just couldnt bring myself to respond, like what if the same thing happens. Then there is the part of me that just chants fight. Do the soul searching you were going to do the day before you knew about this.

My intentions the day before this happened was to find me and what I really want and stop including love or my relationship and consider being selfish. Drink more water and leave out the alcohol. At a glimpse it seems easy and it is. I erased social media from my phone and I only function on sites that promote my art and thoughts. So I hang on to a few site along with LinkedIn, which is more professional and I am focusing on me. A woman of so many talents and still none discovered or appreciated. How do I get back to me before children and love? How do I become selfish. I have to cleanse my body from social media, alcohol, and one day meet. So I read, clear into the night. My current book is the autobiography of Assata Shakur and I am running through it as of i am in her shoes.

The book interesting but depressed me more, makes me realize how much hell I bought these seven children into but I’m proud they’re handling themselves well for four children with their Dad imprisoned, my fiftth’s dad come to find out thru his current girlfriend he’s been caught naked with other men, and my last two happy and still worry free, not old enough to know just soaking up their surroundings. My first four make me proud. Their father has over 12 children, (in which all but two while he was with me) and out of all of them, they seem to lead them in some strange way. However we love thousands of miles from there, I couldnt bring my children up in a town I’d come to view as a circus because of what I allowed to happen to me for love. So much to reflect on and I can only type so fast.

However, the cleanse is allowing to face life, still not to interested in television I watch movies here and there when I have time.

I went and picked up plants for the house and concrete to make modern artistic flower pots. I am just touching on some of what I do but the list is long.

• Mother of seven
• CNC certified operator
• Paralegal
• Licensed Insurance Adjustor
• Learning to code for website development
• Fina chic online store owner
• Wake up your city, mentor and administer
• Looking for a job, newly added to my list
• Rookie customs tshirt printing and more
• Hair charms
• Creative Kookie, new idea
• And so much more shit, by yours truly

Do I really have time to be cleanse? Yes…the mornings and nights in solitude I sharpen my logic on things and remind myself to drink water when I think alcohol will fix my pain..

Everytime I feel stressed out I think I need a drink when really I’m just making a excuse. Although I was no alcoholic, I definitely had a beer or two almost every night. I’m walking up on day two and I said fuck beer, give me vodka.

So yes I drink last night. Just cause I had to cook..when I cook i like to drink. It helps me mellow out and get it done. Yes and i am a great cook as well..even Thought about selling dinners..so this cleanse is good but failed but will prevail.

Small circles form as I breath

inside-out…
suffocating my energy,
hold my nose and mouth.
Walking thru foul thoughts and feelings of my peers,
doubting my self for years,
never crediting the vibe…I feel…
Hearing disturbing thoughts whenever they come around.
Does it change me, no it influences me,
possessing me in the moment, fooling my character into cater to their feelings.
disturbing thoughts, I thought were my own til I began to speak,
they’re enlightened and shocked…consistent in their thoughts.
I move forward…now I know it wasn’t me.
I can feel it, quiet in the conversation, taking in everything.

Blessing of a curse,
pain deeper than reason,
destiny at it’s worst
building ways to me to take, as I learn how to give.
Heal a heart for the love of it,
all truth…so pure.
Defeating the passage of pain seen lost.
Saw the beauty in my triumph made me strong,
I closed my eyes to flow at the mouth.
Every thing from the heart, no lies, no doubt.
Saw who I was as I feared,
born to lead, more than enough responsibility to teal.
Took one step at a time til an opinion no longer mattered…
just the beating of my feet, running at my dreams,
vibe, straight forward, eyes beaming at fear…burning the vision out “what if”, doesn’t matter!
Left the light too bight, I blinded them,to stay in the dark
lurking as black shadows…
I fed the pain in my art…
a beautiful death to misery, I recycled bitter thoughts.
Danced a loft, lotus living in oil, impossible impressions in awe…
a beautiful heart….
By: Hafina Jones

“Realistic Life”
In the dark is the best time to shine bright,
as is above so is below…
I just want you to get me right,
my life shines in the dark, and just look dirty in the white.
Got a evil twist to my lingo, .
I came to darken no one’s perspective,
but to give you the light…

Beauty held plenty captive in an evil eye,
lived by the blind’s cry,
Felt the pain of the ugly, the same inside,
Dwelling sane, only in the mirror of her own eyes,
captivating clear ink, swept away by the back of thee index finger,
no one to point at this time…
Spirits linger in her presents,
answers to the right now,
no past nor future robs the only moment in life.

Spiting out the confessions of evil thoughts of her adversary’s vibes
she so confident,
knowing but doubts herself to remain zombie like.
designed to survive the heavens and hell, never side!
No one knows, I would never tell who I am,
all I have is right now…
a real life, carpe diem till I die!

9-10-12

Pulling on vibes like an aroma in the air,
transforming visions to mist mixed feelings,
closing my eyes with second thought,
Making sure my heart is in…
Moving slower than I think,
Doing more than I dream.
Opening up faith like a new flower blossoming…
Fear got me shiftless, I’m universail…good for everything.
Focused enough to know my worth before my stress,
Born this way.
I believe I am as I think…I know…ONE!
I get to the feeling before I attack the problem, this is heart!
By: Heartress

October 13th, 2011

Give me six years ago, here it is…

Untitled

moon shines bright in the pupil, pulling from the skies..in an instant get lost in the pain of another’s cries!
Buried deep in the heart of a blink…transitions from the tears of a dry eye.
Staring clean into destiny without a blink ..knowing before doubt invades the mind.
Wonderful
wonder full intent…content in my eyes.

-hearttress

Oppression submissive
Lack of confidence
Committed
Knocked out of motion
Dormitory conditions
Profoundly burying, no mentions
Without a doubt
Developed some distance
Without a crowd

Curtains close, show goes on
The healing begins
Reflecting constantly
Dissecting feelings
Thought so hard
The truth
My feelings…

The Preface

May 29th

I get it , some things are disappointing and there’s just some things you can’t change and won’t understand, no this is not man bashing or a way of putting him down. This is how I express myself and I have to stop hold shit in and let it go. I can’t keep playing dumb for love. I refuse to not understand how a person can only explain certain things clearly like reason they don’t want to verses reason to do something. Like responsibilities are reason to makes excuses and get mad. Only time he really can be understood is when he is expressing himself and you find that what he’s expressing he’s been doing. With history with men, everyone says leave them, I’m always putting up with too much and I get it now. Is not too  late to love myself and change no. This desperate part of me that just wanted to be loved i fading away into something greater, and that’s self love.

After last night with my love, I removed the major distractions from my phone that keep making me thinking, why hasn’t he proposed, why hasn’t he married me. I slowly come to realization that he’s holding back for his own personal reasons. After five years of being with a woman that is fully committed to you, hasn’t cheated on you, but is constantly subconsciously compared to his past that did cheat and hurt you. It burn my insides, i dont sit up and compare him to my past. He’s nothing like them, he’s totally different and is in fact the type I usually run from, but what made me stay. I guess that’s something to think about as I reflect and cleanse myself of social media, drink my water, exercise, meditate, and watch my eating habits.

This is just day one. Although my PC is still logged in to my accounts and gives notifications and I still have messenger for whomever may be trying to communicate with me. I really need to do some soul searching and make sure I know what I want. From the conversation I had last night with my love this is what is needed. I need to be selfish and think about me. Like do I want to marry someone who when I first met said he would marry me on but didn’t, also while I was pregnant with his first child he said it again while I express my discomfort with having another child out of wedlock, but he didn’t, then when it was brought up again after having two children by him, it’s not going to work because of our finances, and now it’s because of America brainwashing women to brainwash me.

However, this is thought out, I’m not going to elaborate, just yet on it any further because all i do is get pissed off. Does he even value me or am I truly just good enough. Does he even think that far. He was raised by his mother and father in one home but I wasn’t, my father and mother divorced when I was four. Yet I hear the things his brother and father say. Chances are he doesn’t by the way he is with other women in his past. It’ like he want to be a womanizer but it’s not his character, it’s just something he sees in the men closest to him. He’s still emotionally attached to his exes but expects me to stay and believe there’s nothing going on although all communication and support of one another is done in secret. Where does that leave us. However this infected rhythm has haunted our relationship since the beginning with this nice guy speech as to why he’s not going to get into conflicts with his ex and I left him alone but I should have known better. He thinks it’s okay to have many wives but not love one. He thought it was cool to say write about it like that’s going to help me stay or get thru the disappointment and pain he brings to me. This is a man that can’t do shit for himself and would rather have a secretary he can’t afford to pay do everything for him. Mind you, he doesn’t have one. He has me, helping him build and would still say I haven’t given enough support while I work, clean, and manage seven kids and still trying to chase my dreams and have fun to release some of my misery. Did I add his brother and friend got to flat out disrespect me calling me bitches, telling me I am not shit, and response is, “Well, you do have a smart mouth…so I can why that happened…”

Now I am stuck in it knee deep and can’t quite find a way out. So I am actually taking his advice. I am going to write about it! (unedited)

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