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Other people’s energy can be deadly to the point to hate yourself for wanting better for people and being so damn dumb. I dont believe I would be this dumb if there weren’t kids involved. I wouldnt help for over a decade. Especially a person that says family isnt shit is will hold a grudge longer than they can themselves accountable for their own shit. Just messy and miserable and making shit everyone else problem but play boss on social media. Its fucking sick. Here I am with seven kids of my own and two more dumped in my lap while she attempts to make another one and uses the kids safety as the reason they dont stay with her. Meanwhile taking care of this man son and her kids with me. If it wasnt for the kids, I would say fuck it. 12 years of this off and on. What evil fucked up cycle I have allowed in my life. Then behind my back, I am keeping secrets behind her back about her child and I dont treat her kids right but she still leaves them with me. Why god why. I dont understand and I hate this shit. This feeling and further more the nerve to ask if another grown ass man can stay to until they save money while she live with another man. How and why the fuck is this even a thing. I audacity of this grown ass woman.

Not to even put in words how fucking fucked up my five year long relationship is with a man who calls me a gold digging bitch when he’s not in my presence but has never paid more than $500 which is utitlies a month in my fucking household and still dont got shit but blames it on me. Wont defend me, excuses for marrying me which I am perfectly fine with and wont leave and my dumbass had two kids for him thinking he loves me but when shit hits the fan, it fuckkng explode the truth does it not hurt. Oh painfully, but I been getting bits and peices over the years now I am just fucking done.

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I realized how much effort I have been putting into my problems and not enough into my success and I just decided to share my feelings. So I wrote a little quote but I also wanted to put some meaning behind it. You can sot and think about your problems or you can get up and do something about it. Often we sit and think about out problems like it’s a damn soap opera. We have to be more innovative and develop solutions. It’s not about where you or even when. It’s how you start. If you want a solid foundation. You have to build from within first. If you start with you, nothing can be shaken and when you see those same problems coming you will know to move out the way and take control. I tell my children all the time, people will say what they want but its up to you how you respond. Make sure you’re always in the position of reason and able to see the whole picture otherwise you spiral out of control.

This is just a simple note to yourself. Control yourself and you can take control of your life. #theshift #shift #hearttress #poet #testimony

For the light fun in being who we are at heart, we have bought together some good times for the children to watch other children and adults young at heart. Go to war…nerf style. Coming to YouTube channel: click the link to subscribe: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheHeArTrEsS

It’s some terribly wrong with my ability to move forward. I was turned down from a job because of my past and its nothing related to the job and I am going to look into that as well. It I am just bummed out all this talent and no one wants to give me an opportunity. Putting my energy into business doesn’t pay the Bill’s right now so it hard for me to keep going with it right now. I try so hard. I’m just tired of all the dead ends…I am sure I should be working for myself. No one could had my value at a job any ways. I just have no support to get going. Of course my boyfriend is off with his friends on his day off but in the same breath wants me to get his non for profit started and going but who am I going to talk to about this. Am I a one woman army with seven kids all home for the summer. My back is completely against the wall and I am just stressed. I needed to write about it Hope’s I’d get out this bed, stop the fucking mobile phone games and live my life. I’m thinking maybe I should take a long bath and read. I’m thinking maybe I should start planning phases for donations or working on my dream board or maybe just paint with the kids. Of course they make me better, my two oldest went to the store and got food and fed the kids and cleaned up for the day. That felt good. Maybe I am just being hard on myself. I deserve this. I needed this. I just feel guilty for it.

When I become the moon
Darkness crashes as it waves
Ocean side erode
Capsized by the pain
Wet drifts
Casting further into what is
Built from the bright
Taking down darkness
Twilight
Full belly of moon
Shedding ready to grow a day old again
Tomorrow a better night…

Almost…the touch

Cold wet

In awe of what it took

The grid and wetness

The wetness

At my feet

Not one tear

As I look

Just reflecting

Correcting me

No regrets

Clean blues set…

Owning me